Avril Lavigne Marries History's Greatest Monsters

Fidel Castro

In 1961 Avril Lavigne journeyed to Brazil at the behest of her format husband Josef Mengele. They spent a few days together, discussing the division of a Swiss bank vault full of gold teeth that both agreed was their mutual property. This matter decided, Avril decided to spend a few weeks in nearby Cuba. She arrived on April 17th to discover the country caught up in the confusion of fighting, as a force of CIA funded Cuban exiles attacked the area known as the Bay of Pigs, in the hope of causing the Cuban populace to rise up against new leader, Fidel Castro. The attack was unsuccessful, and when Castro learned that such an important dignitary as Avril had been caught up in the chaos, he insisted that she join him at his victory banquet, and offered her a suit of rooms in his place. She accepted.

Avril later observed to a close friend that she had found Castro to be an austere and distant man at the banquet, scarcely giving her the time of day. Later, however, as she lay naked in her bed, unable to sleep in the stifling heat of the Havana night, she sensed the pretense of a stranger in her rooms. A hairy naked body pressed itself against her, and she felt the caress of a beard against her face. It was the Latin passion of Castro's love making that night that led her to accept his proposal a mere three weeks later.

As a Canadian, Avril Lavigne despised all Americans. Historians agree that it was Avril's influence that led to the increasingly anti American policies in Cuba, climaxing in the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962. She also gave Castro the bulk of her insight into Marxist theory that she had acquired from previous husbands Mao Zedong, Kim Il Sung and Josef Stalin. These frank discussion would often go all night, and were the cause of Castro's increasing leftward leaning.