Tuesday, April 29, 2003. 7:33PM
Moving on from werewolf rape, I'm going to talk about a bunch of stuff that happened last week and the week before. Well, the stories are fairly old now, and I've more or less forgotten them, but no doubt I can remember an amusing detail or two.
We start off on a Thursday. Now, if today is Tuesday, then it's not last Thursday but the Thursday before. It's the day before Good Friday, and a good day for Jews to celebrate Passover. My family being pretend Jewish, that's exactly what they are doing, and a bunch of little hell raising type of really fuck off kids are coming over. "Well", says I, "sounds like getting out of here is a plan." Fortunately, it's a good friend of mines birthday, and we are going to a church musical (called 'One Man Dies' - I quipped "...and another one looses an ear"), then drinking. Not being so entirely religious myself, and always feeling strange in churches, I've half a mind to skip the musical and cut to the drinking as some of our other mutual friends are doing, but like I say, the kids are coming round and I am slightly curious as to what Jesus will sing while being crucified, so I go. Really, it's not all bad. It's quite fun in places. They took themselves a bit too seriously for my liking, and I was pretty offended by the amount of bacon jokes those damn Protestant's squeezed in, but essentially it was all good. Cut to the drinking.
Actually, as we were rallying outside the church I was handed a card to sign and hand on, and as I was doing it the card receiver walks up, so I quickly slip it into my jacket pocket and look suspicious for a while. Then as we were looking for drinking I run into my sister's friend Bill, who I don't know at all except for on the phone and generally as my sister's friend (once he drove me two blocks to the station). However, every single time I leave the house I see Bill, and we have a few words. On this particular occasion, he told me to treat my sister better. We wandered around five or six bars, all either full or closed, before finally, on the corner of Little Collins and Swanston the birthday girl says "Look, I can't be stuffed doing this anymore, let's just go home" (it's about midnight) and we all force her into the nearest bar (Hairy Canary) and shove some liquor down her gullet (did I mention she was turning eighteen?). Four hours later I've encountered some interesting shooters, a very clever waitress (who managed to double the prices of our drinks without us even realising anything was up (she doubled the vodka too, so it wasn't all bad)), and a bunch of little kids in an apartment with a laser pointer, and we're heading home. For later in this article you might as well know that another girl, Girl Y borrowed my trench-coat to put over her knees while I was at the bar. No permission, and it bother's me, but I say nothing. We walk back to Carlton (home of birthday girl and another guy). I yell out praise at the guys trying to climb the statue in front of the state library, and they return the compliment to my hat (want to be yelled at by stranger's in the city, wear a hat. I never leave the house without some kind of random interaction). There's some walking, and Girl Y, complaining about her feet insists on taking my arm. I offer repeatedly to hail her a cab, and she wines a lot (and stops me hitting on other girls), and even though I am drunk, and all I really want to do is run and dance, I hold strong. After Birthday Girl is home, a few of us share a cab one way, the others another. I get home about 4:30 and fall to sleep.
Beep beep repetitive beep goes my alarm. The face reads 7:45. Oh yes, that's right, I have something to do today. I get up and shower. Surprisingly, I feel all right. Not very hung over, not that tired. Not so bad. I eat my hot cross bun and catch my train. Correction, I miss my train and get my dad to get in the car and chase down a tram. We catch it top end of Elizabeth St. I ride to where I'm going (with a brief stop at 7-11 for the first part of what will become twice the daily recommended dosage of Redeye energy drink). I see a few of my old friends, and finally, about 7:00 get a lift home with my old old buddy Neil. We get lost, as one tends to do when one really has no idea where one is or where one is going, but it's alright. We don't mind. About 8:00 (or a bit after) I get home, and, with all this Red-Eye pulsing through my veins, cannot sleep. I watch Groundhog Day, as one does in these situations, but my slight out of body caffeine experience detracts from it somewhat. The next day is the same thing, except this time we take a slightly more direct route home. Neil comes in and sees my house for the first time. "Shit, Buddy", he says, "you've got a scary mother fucking house." When he's gone I listen to my messages, including one from Girl Y (did I mention my parents have gone away for the weekend - she wants to know if there's a party). Her phone is engaged, so instead I call Birthday Girl (hereafter known as 'Girl A'). We talk - chat, if you will, for a while, after which I play Command and Conquer Generals for a bit, then channel surf. I am faced with three choices. On the ABC is Rage, on Channel 7 is a movie with Sean Connery in period costume, killing people with, among other things, a sword cane. On Channel 9 is a movie called Attack of the 5'2" Woman. This movie is insane. I only watched it for two ad breaks, during which time this woman cut off her husband's penis because he was cheating on her, thrown it away, watched it be eaten by a dog. Then in the hospital she suggests they transplant one from a dead body (a stiff, if you will), which they do. Then later they are going on a talk show together (the first time they've met since that fateful night) where she discovers that the wife of the man with the donor dick has been using her visitation rights to fuck her husband, and the original wife cuts his dick off again. Two fucking ad breaks! I watch the Tenacious D (Tribute) video clip and go to bed.
By my best reckoning, it's now Sunday. Easter Sunday. I arrange for some people to come over later on, and spend the morning (and the start of the afternoon) in my dressing gown. It came open as I went to get the paper, but I don't think anyone saw. Hell, I've got nothing to hide. After a while the J Man comes round, and we spend a few hours listening to music, eating pork dumplings, and generally making sexist jokes. J Man, in a effort to keep the alcohol two ourselves, insists that I go shot for shot with him on half a bottle of Vodka. Always a man for a challenge (always a man for Vodka, anyway), I accept, and by the time the other's arrive, we've polished it off, along with some brown rum and the start of my father's wine. About nine we are joined by Girl Y, Girl A, Random Males 1, 2, and another girl (I've met her maybe twice, and on Thursday, in an effort to make small talk she had said to me "so, I hear your parents are away for the weekend?" I turned and gave her the blankest look I have ever given anyone, and said in my most upper-class to lower class voice "have we met?" Very embarrassing. I had to tell her I had a short term memory problem). We drink some, and lie around until it gets to the point where J Man is under the pool table, bemoaning the absence of his girlfriend and the pain of straight Vodka, Random Male 1 is putting the moves heavily on Girl A, and to "to avoid their sickening display", Girl Y entices me into my bedroom and onto my bed. Here she hits on me harder and with more tenacity than any other girl ever has, and I realise that not only does she not push my buttons, but rather, I dislike her as a human being. In the end I pretend to run for the bathroom and throw up in order to escape her clutches. I escape upstairs where I shoot down Random Male 1 (I have laid unofficial claim to Girl A, and damn it if any greasy spick is going to steal my woman without a fight). This goes on for an hour or two more before everyone goes home, and I am left with J Man on the couches talking about God. Eventually he falls to sleep. I write a note on his forehead, and again on his hand requesting that he wake me before he leaves, put out all the bottles in case my folks come home at some ungodly hour, and go to bed. The last song that plays is Tenacious D (Tribute).
The morning comes, and it's okay. I clean a little more, rip some CDs. J Man goes home. After a while me parents come, and it's all okay. At about nine, I head over to Tim's birthday party, with the sincere hope of knocking up one of the hot chicks who were there last year. Alas, I find, Tim's friendship circle has changed somewhat in the last twelve months, and there a no hot chicks to knock up (well, none with the groundwork already done, anyway). In fact, there's barely anyone I know. I stick it out for a while (there is free beer), and eventually who should rock up but my old friend Steve, and shortly after, my original ex-girlfriend (Girl N - original, but is she the best?). Now, Steve and I barely see each other so we have a bit to talk about, and Girl N and I never see each other (we had a sort of messy break up), so we all have a bit to talk about. After a while I find the Vodka, and a while after that I find the Kuluha. Now, I've never had Kuluha, and I find it quite pleasant. I'm getting close to the bottom of the bottle (Girl N is having half), when Tim pulls out all this pot and says "let's all go to the park and get whacked." Well, me and pot go way back, but we haven't met for a while, so hell, I'm in (rather the mantra for this evening). We head off to a nearby school (that conveniently appears to be under renovation, allowing us to steal quite a lot of lumber and a good length of chain link fence), and puff puff away. A long time later we head back to Tim's and Steve offers to let me and Girl N crash at his place. We accept, and skip down the road singing Blister in the Sun by the Violent Femmes. Steve insists on socializing a little before we go to bed, which basically involves channel surfing. Girl N goes straight to sleep, but I say for a little while and watch the Tribute video clip on MTV. After a while Steve heads off to bed, leaving me and Girl N alone. Now, I'm pretty drunk. I've smoked a lot of pot. Basically, I'm horny as hell. I a quite voice, I clear my throat, and ask Girl N if she feels like making about a little for old times sake. She is asleep. I grab her nearest appendage (her foot), in an attempt to wake her up. I get it clear of the covers, and get about half the foot in my mouth (she has small feet) before the gag reflex kicks in, and I go to sleep unsatisfied.
On Tuesday I go out with the M Man and we see a movie. Not much of an adventure. I go to Timezone to register my Gold Card (which they sent me a week or so ago for some unfathomable reason, as I haven't been there in a long time), where I made the woman call me "Sir." I feel it's my right. I do have a gold card after all. Thursday sees me doing an assignment at uni. I spend five hours on it. Five frustrating hours sifting through code. Eventually I find the problem. Two letters that should be lower case are upper case. I am very angry. A while passes, and me, J Man, Girl A, Girl Y and J Man's Girl are at a bar or two enjoying a delicious beverage (or two). Now, my first drink is Vodka, which I drink because I feel I need an angry drink to deal with my internal anger. After that, I move to Kuluha. Now, I am well aware that this is a girl's drink, and I am not happy about drinking it. I am curious, however, because it was pretty good the other night. We are at Cherry, which is not a cheap place, and I have parted with $7.00 for the privilege. Now, without asking permission, before I have had any, and without an equivalent drink of her own for me to sample, Girl Y takes a swig of my Kuluha. Now, she has been annoying me all night with her absence of tact and general stupidity, but again, I hold my tongue. "Bottle it all up" is what I say to myself. Then, not long after (certainly not long enough for me to have any), she proclaims to the world "that was nice! I think I'll have some more" and goes to take the glass. I snap. "Fuck off!" I yell, and in true Semitic style "I just paid $7.00 for that!". This sets her off, and what follows is several hours of sniping and general bitching between me and her, climaxing in two groups on the state library steps. Me, J-Man and Girl A Vs J Man's Girl and Girl Y, and I think J Man's girl was only over there to even it up. I think I won. I realized that night that she was an exact mental clone of the ex-girlfriend of mine who I like least. Exact. Exact and it scared me.
Then finally Saturday. A glorious day. I rock up outside Girl A's house sometime mid-afternoon and call her up. I tell her that I've been stood up by a friend, and would she like to have some coffee with me. Four hours later my mum calls to see if I'm coming home for dinner. I ask Girl A, and she agrees to have dinner with me. Then we are walking home when her mother calls and says her friend has been on the line. She asks permission to say out, which is subsequently granted. We go and see Punch Drunk Love. Finally, I walk her home. It is about midnight, and she says to me "that was incredible fun, next time you're stood up, give me a call." I look her deep in the eye, raise on eyebrow, and say "you really think there was a friend?" Then I turn I heel and begin to run for the last train, leaving the romantically swooning girl on her doorstep. I make the train, get home, jerk off, and that's it. Ten days in the life of Zeedar Teretz.