Teretz Syndrome

Saturday, September 11, 2004. 1:39PM

A common past time for laconic pop cultural journals like this one is to interview a historical figure or fictional character, with little or no regard for historical accuracy or language barriers, in the hope that comedy gold will ensue. Far be it from me to turn up my nose at the mainstream, so this is precisely what I am going to do for you today.

One of the things I feel we are lacking here at zeedarteretz.com is a digital camera. Numerous are the long nights I spend alone, pining for the ability to take racy photo's of myself and post them all over the Internet. Twice in my life thus far, I have had a female friend who I thought of as attractive, but nothing special until I saw her naked on the Internet, and was amazed by the opening of my eyes. Very few women look as attractive naked as they do fully clothed, but those who do, I find, are more inclined to publish pictures on the Internet, and boy oh boy are they ever hot.

With out a digital camera, I have no photo's of myself to publish as the interviewer in this interview, and so I will instead use a photo of Spike from Press Gang, and BBC children's program that aired in the early nineties. Spike not only has the journalistic background to assist me in this endeavor, but has the other advantage of looking (in my opinion) a little like me.

Well, with out illustrious interviewer established, who then, shall take the chair as the subject of this little interview? What historical figure can provide the biggest insight into girls and Nintendo?

Well, let's start right at the top: bring on the first contender... JUDAS ISCARIOT (played by Harvey Keitel)

Good evening, one and all, I'm you host for this evening. Our guest tonight is the man who sold the messiah for a little cash, Judas Iscariot.
Hi, Judas. My name is Spike Thomson. I'm a reporter with the Junior Gazette.

I know your work.

Great. Well, let's cut to the chase. Which Nintendo game do you feel makes the best use of the original console's capabilities?

Donkey Kong.

Why? You're a fat man who jumps barrels! Mario 3 was way better than Donkey Kong.

I'm a problem solver. I solve problems.

Fat man. Over barrel. What's the problem?

Hey fuck you, Spike.

Fuck me? Fuck me like you fucked Jesus?

You whining little bitch... don't make me come over there and fuck you up..

Yeah? bring it bitch!

Oh, goodness!


Jane Fonda?

I said, "Oh Goodness."

Hold up a sec, J. I. We can use this.


Tell me, Jane, which is a better Nintendo game, Donkey Kong or Mario 3?

Donkey Kong.

What the fuck? How can you say that? Why?

Because it's representative of the Vietnam war. The guerilla is firmly entrenched at the top, and the capitalist man sends some schmoe from Brooklyn to take him down and rescue the girl next door blonde hair, blue eyed prom queen princess.


Oh, nice reading Hanoi Jane. Was all that small gook dick real easy on you while our boys were dying in the Jungle?

Oh, that'd be right. Just like you to bring dick into it first chance you got.

What you saying, Barbarella?

Thirteen guys and one prostitute? Gee... that doesn't sound at all of an excuse to explore your raging homosexual lust.

I had the mother fucker killed!

You don't have to tell me twice! I know these group things can get pretty catty.

Did somebody say homosexual lust?

Oscar Wilde!

Oh Oscar, give us a witticism.

You're a journalist?

After a fashion, yes.

But what is the difference between literature and journalism? ...Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.


Thank you.

Oscar, you're a flaming homosexual. Perhaps you can settle something for us. Do you think Judas here is an attractive man?

You're really pushing my buttons, whore!

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

That barely made sense.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

I know what this is! This is just a cheap device to fill an article with droll nineteenth century humor!

I confess, it is.

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

I think it's hilarious to put Oscar Wilde in a modern context like this though, because in toady's eyes, he comes across as a woman hater.

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects.

That's not at all funny. This whole exercise is just an excuse for misogynistic chest beating and racial slurs.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

It was a little known subtext of Press Gang that my constant skirting around Lynda led me to despise all women and want everyone to be unhappy.

Morality, like art, means a drawing a line someplace.

But don't you see Spike, the struggle was not between you and Lynda. The problem was all you!

How do you mean?

Oh come on. Your constant threats to leave, the other women, your holidays to America. She made every attempt to make her feelings clear to you, but would never actually put it all on the line without some reciprocation which you just wouldn't give.

Can it be?

Don't blame your inability to love on the one that got away - blame it on yourself. You lacked the courage to grab the girl, take her in your arms and say "Lynda Day, I love you. Won't you be mine?"

My God Jane, you're right. I'm a failure as a man.


No Spike... you can learn to love again.


Overcome, Spike. Positate the negative!

I'm a new man!

Good for you!

Jane Fonda, I love you. I've always loved you. I would have never had the courage to say it before, but now... now I am new man. Won't you be mine?

But Spike...

Don't reject me Jane, don't send me back into that cycle of hate.

But Spike... you don't know me... we never met before now...

Oh Jane...

You seem very nice, I but can't ask me to commit to a complete stranger.

Oh you vile whore. How can you do this to me?

Girl troubles, pal?

Humphrey Bogart?

After a fashion, kid. Right now I'm in character as Rick from Casablanca.

Not Rick from "Everyone Goes to Rick's", the stageplay that Casablanca was based on?


So Rick... you know a thing or two about broken hearts; Jane Fonda just broke mine... can you help me out?

Sure I can, Kiddo. Have you ever noticed that Jane Fonda a Denise Richards are becoming the exact same person?


Same exact person

Not really.

Well, you must agree that they're both beautiful creatures?


Well, I'm thinking maybe you seduce Denise Richards, you start to feel a little better about not having Jane Fonda.

Wait! Who's that arriving now?

Charlie Sheen!

How could you do it Charlie? Turn such a lovely creature as Denise Richards into a bloated pregnant woman?

It was all her! She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Is it not the truth that your show demeans women every single week?

Hey Buddy, I'm just telling it like it is. If they let do it, then I hell aint stopping. I'm leading the reaction to feminism.

Most people aren't aware that in Casablanca I owned my happy go lucky sidekick, Sam. He was my slave, always calling me "Boss." I took him halfway across the world and eventually sold him to a fellow bar owner.


Well, frankly, we're over time and everyone is talking nonsense, so I'm going to get the last two guests in, and we'll wrap this puppy up.

Hi, I'm Tom Jones.

Watcha gonna do when the hulkster runs wild on YOU?

Ahh... can you smell what Spike got cooking?

This is where the power lies!

Yes, Hulk, yes it is.

And, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the show. The girl of the week is just below. Steve Allen is up next with his new show. Post in the forums, love one another, and remember sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow...

But, if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need
Someone to lean on

You can call on me brother when you need a hand,
We all need somebody to lean on,
I just might have a problem, that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride, if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill, those of your needs
That you won't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need
Someone to lean on

If there is a load, you have to bear
that you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
If you just call me... Call me
If you need a friend...Call me
If you need a friend...If you ever need a friend
Call me...Call me...

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long, till I'm gonna need
Someone to lean on

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