Life is like a game of Civilization (I'm going to dump my girlfriend).
Saturday, October 12. 12:00PM
I think my biggest problem is that I like my life like I play Civilization. I keep my empire small, but technologically advanced, until I can pray on somebody weak. Then I pray on the next weakest, and so on until I am big enough to pray on somebody big. The whole time I keep everybody who I'm not beating up on just this second allied with me, and preferably attacking the small guy from behind. What is the point of all this, you ask? Well you see, in Civilization, when somebody gives you a gift you can't attack them for a few turns without damaging your reputation, and your reputation is a pretty important thing. If you want to attack them you have a few options. Firstly you can wait it out, build up your strength, and get more ready for the day (but bear in mind that they are doing the same thing). You can also try and provoke them into attacking you, just keep violating their territory, demand more gifts and so on...
It's now 12:20. The phone rang. It was my girlfriend, which was oddly appropriate, seeing as I'm writing an essay about leaving her...wait... what was that? Leaving her? Yes, it's true. She annoys me too much. You see, she gave my a pocket watch when she came back from England, and I feel guilty about dumping her after that, so I've been biding my time. It has to be done, however, so I'll do it soon. I've been mean to her of late, but she hasn't taken the hint. I'm seeing her tomorrow, so I might do it then, but I probably won't have the balls, in which case I'll do it on the phone sometime next week (just in case she cries or kicks me or something). To all my friends who told me to make a play for her, well, it's been an all right five or so months, and it's only been the last week or so that she's been pissing me off. So thank you, one and all. Ladies, in a not very long time I will be single and open for business. Who will it be? Please form an orderly que. There's only sufficient me for four or five a day.
God damn I hope she doesn't read this.