Teretz Syndrome

Friday, September 12, 2003. 2:58PM

I'm sure you've all noticed, those of you who've been reading log for some time, that this last few weeks I've been making an effort to have some small piece of visually pleasing colour in the middle of each post. Well, I have, anyway, and I think you'll find this log's picture the best yet. Particularly those of you who are men, but even the ladies out there should be able to appreciate the subtle curves and design features in this weeks log.

Ah, who am I kidding. No doubt you can already see her head. I think if anything it's a bad idea to include images, because realistically, with a large volume of text, who is seriously going to read the writing when you could be looking at some kind of eye candy? Well, I wouldn't anyway.

Anyway, some context. The picture is Natalie Portman in a metal bikini. I assume that it's a fake, edited up by some Star Wars fan. I found it, quite by accident on KaZaA. Someone had named this file something completely different, and when I searched for that this came up (I dunno why, really, I mean, the reason people name files things that they're not is to get more people to download and increase their own rating thing so they can download shit faster, and who wouldn't want a picture of Natalie Portman in a metal bikini? I mean, I'd never think to search for it, but still... Natalie Portman... bikini... metal... sigh). I noticed that someone on the Internet had reviewed my site and described me as a "nerd in denial." Well, okay, here it is. My Star Wars post. Can't get much nerdier than that.

Oh, screw justification, let's cut to the flesh.

Now, about Star Wars. I used to watch it as a kid, as pretty much everyone did. I saw A New Hope a shit load of times, and Return of the Jedi a shit load more, and Empire Strikes Back only a couple, which was probably the reason I liked that one the best. I think maybe my next door neighbor didn't like it or something, because he had the tapes and never seemed to want to watch it with me. Now, I was like ten at the time, and Carrie Fisher in that bikini didn't mean too much too me, other than, "oh no, how will they get out of this one," and "boy does it rock that R2 and keep a lightsaber hidden like that and shoot it out just at the right time." But then they started making these new finagled Star Wars movies we have today, and showing the old ones in the cinemas and what not. Now, by this stage, I was quite a bit older - my balls had dropped - and I hadn't seen Star Wars in a little while, so imagine my surprise, when suddenly, out of nowhere I was confronted with Carrie Fisher in that bikini, and it being the greatest moment in cinema. Wowza!

Now, I've been watching these new Star Wars, and I been developing a theory. You see, in Episode 4, Carrie Fisher is all princess like in those robes, swanning around being a bitch... and... I mean, she's hot, but there aint too much flesh - barely any, in fact. The closest thing we get is at the ceremony at the end, when she's wearing that sort of low cut white dress... well, it's not that whoar... but there is some whoar factor. Still, Episode 1, same shit. Whole movie Natalie Portman is wearing these crazy elaborate costumes, but in the last scene - that party, low cut white dress. Nice. Then, Episode 2 as compared to Empire. In Empire, Carrie Fisher wears mostly combat gear, that is quite figure hugging, but really does nothing apart from flatten her breasts... and well, apart from that sweet backless number, is more or less the same shit Natalie Portman wears in Attack of the Clones. Hmm, thinks I... two out of two... surely that means a metal bikini in Episode 3? Please Mister Lucas, whore your star to us. Give us Natalie Portman in a metal bikini!

Although, actually, in doing my research for this log (those of you who laughed because I'm basically saying I spent twenty minutes looking at porn, shut your mouth. Those who laughed at the prospect that these logs are researched, shut your mouths too), I discovered that she did a nude shoot for hustler, and had a whole steamy paparazzi shoot in the Caribbean some time, so don't get me wrong - it's not that I have an intense desire to see some more skin... well it is, but it has to be skin in a Star Wars film. Metal bikini skin in a Star Wars film. Basically, I want to live out my Carrie Fisher fantasies with a woman who isn't old enough to be my mother... much the same way I want them to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show, because I find my Susan Sarrandon fantasies strange and disturbing. It's kind of weird, actually, that Natalie Portman would do a Hustler shoot (in November of 1999) - I mean, she's not over the hill by a long shot, in fact, you could say that her career is just beginning (although, actors who Star Wars makes big have a history of getting nothing bigger than Star Wars spoofs for the rest of their career), and given that she was born in June of 1981, that would make her barely eighteen at the time. Now, I don't know how many months in advance Hustler shoots are shot, however, I do know that most magazines are ready about three months before distribution - in other words, as soon as it became legal, Natalie Portman, a young and beautiful woman with a bright future in popcorn salesmanship goes out and gets naked for Hustler. It's not even like it's a classy magazine like Playboy (I know all women harbor some fantasy of being playmate of the month and living in the Playboy mansion), but Hustler? Larry Flint founded hustler specifically to show muff and provide a cheap and dirty version of Playboy. Why, Natalie, why? Why whore yourself like this? Sure, I want you to whore yourself, but to geeks in cinemas, not to construction worker's lunch rooms - oh Natalie, you've broken my heart.

I'm just surprised George Lucas didn't stop her.

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