Thursday, September 18, 2003. 1:59PM

I don't quite know what this log is going to be about yet, so I'll get my apology out of the way straight up. Natalie Portman is not a whore. Apparently, the hustler shoot was some kind of fake. I'm sorry Natalie. Please wear a metal bikini in Episode 3.

I have a nefarious plan, which I'm gradually going to document over the next few months, however, I'm keeping it under wraps just at the minute, but, when I do eventually print it, I want you all to remember this statement (no doubt I'll link it) and be amazed at the complexity of my nefarious planing process. It'll be an absolute corker if I pull it off, which I wont, but nonetheless, it should be a semi interesting read.

Right. Now I have to think of something to say.

Has anyone noticed how passé it has become to have a website these days? Well, actually, that's not true. What has become passé is websites like this one, that pretty much consist of a jerk saying a bunch of crap about nothing... they call them blogs. Well, actually, I don't quite know what a blog is... the term obviously comes from log, which would imply less opinionated articles and more something like the other stream of website - a LiveJournal, or LJ. Marketingterms.com defines a blog as "a frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links." Well, yeah, that's pretty much accurate to this site... well, not that frequent... or really that chronological... but still, I think I've become a blog.

Fuck.

You see, it used to be cool, once. People would say "wow Zeedar... that's a pretty cool idea... talking about your life like that... you really fantasize about strangers a lot, hey?" But no longer. Thanks to sites like LiveJournal.com, now every teenage girl and random person has a place on the web where they write shit. I somehow got on to the LiveJournal ring of a bunch of people at uni, and there are like ten of them who all LiveJournal, and all post on each other's feedback. Does anyone else read it? I doubt it, but nonetheless, the fact that they can write it pisses me off. I had to learn HTML before I could do this shit (well, I had to learn how to use Dreamweaver... and don't forget our friend the FTP client)! I mean, no offense to anyone who has a LiveJournal - a lot of my friends LiveJournal, and they're totally all right people... I'm sure it's cool... in fact, really I have no problem with you wanting to express yourself, but I want you to know that what you do degrades me and everything I stand for. You people have taken having a website into the mainstream (well, mainstream of depressed Goths and people who used the term 'lol', something which depressed Goths resent), and the poetry... and oh my...I think I hate LiveJournals.

Ah crap. Well, that settles it. I'm going to have to make this site a real site - which means content. Proper content.

And now I sound depressed.

Ugh.

I know.

How about a scantily clad woman to lighten up this post?

Hmm?

What's that? You love the power glove? It's so bad?

All right.

Now, who is this woman, you ask, and what is that thing on her hand? Well, this woman, I understand, is called Chrono Kristin, and she is a "sexy woman who loves video games." Wowza, I say, but there's more to this post than that. That thing on her hand... what is that, you ask? That, my friends, is a classic Nintendo Power Glove, circa 1991. There was this movie once, which I'm sure you all remember, called The Wizard. No, nothing to do with fantasy (well, not most people's fantasies, anyway), this movie was essentially a multi-million dollar marketing stunt by the Nintendo corporation, at the height of their power, to flog their new game, the immortal classic, Mario Brother's 3. The villain in The Wizard was a teenage Nintendo master who loved the Power Glove - so much so, that he uttered the time immortal line, "I love the Power Glove, it's so bad" (only to cop the vicious retort from our hero, "Yeah, well keep your Power Gloves off her"). Now, personally, I used to be under the impression that there was something cool about the Power Glove - that it had sensors and so on, to detect your hand movements and so on, and ultimately aid your Nintendo experience. Finally, that undefeatable boss would know that I was giving him the finger!

Alas no. It was a big, uncomfortable glove you wore on one hand, while with the other hand you operated the standard controller that had been glued on! There were these sensor things you attached around your screen, but they never worked enough to make them worthwhile. You couldn't even use two hands anymore, which is pretty much a necessity for serious Nintendoing. Fuck the power glove, I say, fuck the power glove!

And another thing! What the fuck is it with women! Well, more specifically, Tampon (and other menstrual related products) advertising! It's everywhere! One in two TV commercials is something to do with it! There are posters at stations for crying out loud! What woman is at the station and things, "Man, could I ever go an ultra-thin tampon right now." Well, probably a fuck of a lot, but 49% of people don't want to know shit about tampons, and I am one of them. It's gotten so bad, that the other day I was watching this add, where is shows this woman in her underwear jumping on a bed, and the voice over says "Hers was weak..." "FUCK!" I said "I don't want to know about this shit!" Then it shows another woman playing tennis or something and said "Hers was wrecked..." "UGH!" I thought. Some woman swimming I think "Hers was broken..." "HOLY FUCK! This is disgusting!" And do you know what it was an ad for? Fucking Shampoo. See, all these damn tampon ads and bladder control ads and shit have made me always assume the worst. Man I hate women.

I'm going to go have sex with my girlfriend.