Teretz Syndrome

Wednesday, January 21, 2004. 2:38PM.

Quite a while ago, and once quite a while before that, me and some of my buddies mooted the idea of having an advice column. You see, I'm a star with the ladies, and we thought it would be pretty sweet if people wrote in with their problems and I insulted them and made racial slurs. Well, it never eventuated, however, I think I'm going to try it now. There's a site called grouphug.us, which is an anonymous confession site where people can get whatever off their chest, and as nobody has written to me asking for advice, I'm going to respond to their confessions. Sure, I guess it violates everything that site stands for, but it's pretty much right in-line with what we stand for. I'm just going to do the first ten or so I come to, so if you're not on there... well, don't sweat it. Sound good? Ready Steve? Andy? Mick? All right then, let's go!


Dear Dr. Teretz, my current boyfriend has a lot of sexual experience, while i have none. he's been breaking me in, and he's very, very good at what he does. i'm afraid that if and when we break up i won't find a guy who's as good in bed as he is.


Look Sugar (and you'd better be a sugar), I know that there's nothing women like lie about more than their sexual experience. Don't worry, we men do the same thing, except in reverse. All we want to do is be studs, while you want to play to our virginal fantasies, but that aside, how do you know he's good in bed if you've never had another guy? For all you know, he could be a terrible lover, and you just have some kind of super sex receptacle - kind of like the chick in Deep Throat, only I presume not in your mouth. Quit your worrying. If you really can't find as good a lay afterward, there's a good chance he'll take you on as a fuck buddy. Really, however, you should work on your skills and keep that man.


Dear Dr. Teretz. i think im in love with my 14 year old neighbor. im 19. shes a girl im a guy. we got into a fight one night cause she thought i was coming onto her or going to rape her. 4 months later she apologised, but that night she got her boyfriends to all threaten me. i later snuck into her house and stole photos of her.. i told myself it was to remember her by. i look at them every night while i masturbate. she is my sexual fantasy personified. i hate myself for liking her. we have so much in common yet we are complete social oposites. she is the most beautiful popular girl in school and im practicaly the oposite.
it hurts so much every time i hear her and her friends having fun. i often sit at my window and listen to them or watch them.
i used to spy on her alot and jerk off. ive seen her naked a few times. my life has been ruined just because this girl was born good looking and i cant help being attracted to her. all i know is pain. ill probably end up telling her everything, except about the photos and spying on her. we are still friends but it just isnt the same after what hapenned. on one hand i want her to fall in love with me, but she has a boyfriend and her lifestyle is just too different from mine, i know it wouldnt work, even though we would make a good couple. i just want it to end but im too nice to commit suicide or anything. my parents wouldnt like that. i hate my parents but they still love me. life sucks sometimes..
i dont know whether to hide my love and just try to go back to being good friends again, or to just get over it and ignore her, or to confess everything to her and allow myself to fall in love with her. man. wish she could read this. she doesnt even have a computer. so much pain.. but ill get over it. life goes on. thanks for listening ;)


Holy Shit! Buddy, you're messed up. I can see you've yet to learn one of the most important and painful lessons in life: all women are more or less the same. A young, fairly hot girl lives next door to me, and I can often hear her and her friends laughing it up in their yard. I can look out my window, and see her panties on the line. Occasionally, it's crossed my mind that I could sneak into their yard and take a peek at her in the shower or something, but every time it does, I say to myself "Chill the fuck out, you sick fuck, that's the sort of thing that'll land you in prison." Now, breaking and entering is a crime I can forgive. There's nothing more thrilling than being in someone else's house and going through their shit while they're not home. Rape is probably the most overrated crime their is. I mean, sure, it's not very nice to rape someone, but modern feminism has put this up their with murder. Why is the crime of giving life second only to the crime of taking it away. Girls these days are pretty obsessed with rape. It's not rape if you just got felt up, and it's not rape if you were drunk and wanted it at the time. The only real kind of rape is dirty gang rape in a freeway underpass in the middle of the night. Got it? Right. Let's recap.

1. This girl is a whore. Any fourteen year old who has multiple boyfriends to threaten you is a whore.
2. Nothing wrong with masturbation. The whole idea or masturbation is to get with whoever, although you're a bit obsessed with this girl, so I suggest you try the Olsen twins or something for a few nights. There are lot's of hot women in the world. Find a new one.
3. Don't tell her shit. Never tell women shit. They remember everything, tell everyone, and bring it up constantly.
4. If you want to commit suicide (which this is way too small to do over), fucking grow a pair and do it. I hate people who talk about it all the time. You're like beggars. You want my money? Grow a pair, pull a knife and rob me. Why the fuck should I give you my charity?

Hope that helps.


Dear Dr. Teretz, I masturbated during a job interview over the phone. I later got the job.


Fuck your boss and you might get promoted.


Dear Dr, Teretz, I want to fuck my ex so bad. I hate her guts, but i still want her sexually


Yeah, I've had this problem. They all seem so much more attractive after you've dumped them. Mostly, it's not worth the effort of an on again of again relationship, however, you know where she hangs out and you probably share some friends, so if you can get her drunk or something you've probably got a better chance than most random guys because you've been with her before. You might try turning up at her house in the middle of the night - make like you're on the run from the law or something and you need her help. Danger turns women on.



Dear Dr. Teretz, i had an abortion and to this day it eats me up alive.



Would you rather have a child? I bet you'd be kicking yourself right now with your no money and no social life for eighteen years. At the time it seemed like a good idea. It probably was. Don't dwell on the past. Everybody has some things in life they regret - it's just the way it plays out.


Dear Dr. Teretz, I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.


Good call, Buddy. I'm going to remember that. Maybe it'll come in handy some time. Thanks.



Dear Dr. Teretz, When I was 18, I use to receive oral from my 14 yr. old neighbor. We use to sneak into my families basement or her parents basement almost every other day. Sometimes I'd pick her up at school and we'd drive somewhere. One of her rules was never to explode in her mouth. Then oneday I lost thought and couldn't hold it...and then shot my load into her mouth. That was the last time she gave me oral.
I'm 36 now and she's 32...we recently met food shopping and was laughing about old times and what had happened. We checked out together and I walked her to her car. Then she asked me if I missed it and I said yes. She then invited me into her car and gave me one of the best blowjob I've had in a long long time. This time though she wanted me to cum in her mouth.


Right on Buddy, you living it large! I wish I had an oral call next door... hell... anywhere on the block would be okay. Given your ages, I guess it must have been sometime in the mid eighties, which means you were doing pretty well, as girls were less promiscuous back then. I always had a problem telling when I was going to shoot with oral. I dunno. Something about the sensation. I'd be pissed off too if she stopped just because I shot in her mouth one time. Seems kind of harsh, I mean, it was only one time. I don't know what's so abhorrent about semen, anyway. Still, it looks like she must have always regretted it, so kudos to you, brother, kudos to you.



Dear Dr. Teretz, I want to be nullified.



The closest to relevant definition of nullified I can find on Dictionary.com is "deprived of legal force." Well, I'm sorry, but I can't really help you. You could fake your own death. That would be cool, or you could just not exercise your rights, which would be less cool. As I've said to someone else, if you want to kill yourself, quit whining and do it.



Dear Dr. Teretz, i drink and drive



If you're cool with it, I'm cool with it.



Dear Dr. Teretz, I am 30 and consider myself to be straight but I have a strong desire to go down on another woman.


Believe me, you don't know what you're talking about. Every girl I get with, I'm prepared to go down on once, just to see if she's the one who doesn't have a disgusting, horrible pussy. She's not. It's hot, claustrophobic, smelly (often, but not always an unpleasant odor. It is always strong), and the hair... ugh. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing, but I always seem to be able to accomplish much more with two fingers than I ever could with my tongue, but look, hey, maybe you're more tolerant because you have your own vagina. I encourage you to indulge your lesbian fantasies. I've always wondered whether women can walk into a brothel and hire a hooker. Maybe you should find out?


Dear Dr. Teretz, when i was about ten yo my dog accidentally took my virginity when i was trying to get my panties from under the bed..it was really painful and i didnt tell anyone.


Right. So your dog accidentally took your virginity? Did the dog mean it? I mean, did he do it with his hard cock, or did he just break your hymen with his snout or something. Did he just stick it in, and then pop, it was over, or was there a full few minutes of the old in out. Did he cum? Did he bring you to orgasm? If he came, did you get pregnant and have his love child? Was it just one, or a litter?

You're right not to tell anyone, as no one would believe you. I think you've been reading this website too much. Nice story but.


Well, there we are. I hope I've managed to help some of you with similar problems. If anyone out there would actually like some advice, then please, feel free to mail me your problem, and I'll do my best to help. By the way, people, you may have noticed that I do something a bit different with every post, which is really how I like it, however, if you want to contact me and say what you like, I'm more than happy to have a repeat style of column at some point. I'm going to include a picture for the guy who had the fourteen year old problem - now, I know it's not the Olsen twins (but lord knows you can find enough pictures of them on this site), it's Jessica Alba. I think that maybe you need a more mature woman, and at 22, She's about as mature as I'm prepared to go. I'd like to see her go down on another woman.

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