Saturday, August 21, 2004. 12:47PM

Some time around the beginning of the year, me and the other douches who hang around the office at Zeedar Teretz Industries were looking to expand into another site. Quite a few ideas were mooted. Personally, I was in favor of www.chronicfearofmonkies.com, but I couldn't think of any content that would fit such a robust domain. Anyway, the eventual two contenders were underage-babes.com or celebrityhitlist.com. As I'm sure you're all aware, celebrityhitlist won the day, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let the underage babes idea go to waste - no sir.

I've always been a fan of the term "jailbait." There are, in my opinion, few English words that equal it with their concise and and clever. Would a rat like you got to jail if you had a piece of cheese like that their fifteen year old girl next door? Well, no, frankly. Firm little bodies are one thing, but prison rape is a whole different thing. In my experience, however, when one is committing a crime, one rarely anticipates going to jail. Rather, one assumes that jail will be avoided, as I am too good to be caught. I would estimate that in the average week, I commit at least two or three little crimes. The stupid little things young men do: petty vandalism, petty theft, jaywalking, and other such misdemeanors, all of which leads me too the conclusion that the ratio of crimes that are committed compared to those that are reported, and then those that are solved must be massive. Gargantuan. And rightly so, because who gives a damn if I steal ashtrays from a bar? Not me. Maybe the bar. Oh help me and my tortured soul. Let's talk about little girls.

The idea of underage-babes.com was basically was to have 'profiles' on all of the hot sixteen year olds in Hollywood - maybe countdowns till their birthdays like everyone used to have for the Olsen twins, bikini galleries, what's the word on their boyfriends - that sort of a deal. I was also going to have an alumni section, with the same crap, except about the underage babes of yesteryear. Sassy minxes who have since turned 18. It didn't happen, and let's face it, it's probably a good thing. Still, that's no reason I can't sit here with the comforting shield that the Internet gives me and wax lyrical about my pedophiliac tendencies. Good taste, perhaps, is a reason, but I don't think that zeedarteretz.com has ever been accused of having that.

Larisa Oleynik

Did I say underage babes? Actually, I'm sorry, I lied to you. This is just going to be me reminiscing about the hot girls on television in the mid nineties. Larisa Oleynik was at the peak of her fame during the four seasons The Secret Life of Alex Mack (in which she played the title character) ran for. The show ran from 1994 to 1998. She was born on the 7th of June, 1981, making her 13 - 17. Underage enough for me. Larisa was just about as "girl next door" as a girl could get. The only problem was that she loved to cover up. You could tell she was still a total hottie beneath those baggy overalls and beanie, but it was a sort of a repressed hotness. You could sense it. Almost taste it, but it was never quite there. After series two, however, either she blossomed into a young women or the producers realised that eighty percent of their audience were there because of the girl, and they started to get her into some tighter clothes, and let her hair down. There were a couple of swimsuit episodes, and this one where through some plot twist there became two of her, a good one and an evil one. She was pretty good anyways, so the good one was more or less regular her, but the evil one, oh the evil one. The evil one dressed like a hooker and gave you all that bad girl attitude. She smoked and cursed, and you just knew she'd give head on the first date.

She was in a move a couple of years ago, and I think she's making low budget pics now. I don't doubt she'll have a comeback in a few years.

INTERESTING FACT: The Secret Life of Alex Mack was also the place that started the career of an overage hottie, Jessica Alba.

Natalie Portman

The first time I remember seeing Natalie Portman and thinking that she was hot was in Mars Attacks! in 1996. She was born on the 9th of June, 1981, so I guess that would put her somewhere around the golden age of fifteen. Right then, however, she didn't really have that big an impact on my life. It was more in Star Wars that I paid attention. A bit later in life, however, I saw Léon: a film she made back in 1994. Léon is basically Lolita with an assassin as the protagonist, and it was this film that made Natalie famous, and earned her the title of an underage babe. If you asked me in real life what I thought about it, I'd say I felt kind of bad about ogling a thirteen year old, but this is the Internet, and I willing to say that she's sexy as hell.

She's come on a lot since then. She followed up Star Wars in 1999 with a bikini scene in Anywhere But Here. The photo I'm about to give you was taken in June 2002, making her plenty old, however, it earned it's place here for being recently selected by the users of natalieportman.com as the best photo of Natalie ever taken. I'm inclined to think it's pretty close.

Emma Watson

This girl was born on the 15th of April, 1990. Wow. I had no idea she was that young. The only thing she's ever done is the Harry Potter movies, which I haven't seen, however, I have seen... well... I've seen the poster, thought she was hot, and image searched her name. She stands as incontrovertible proof that chicks are getting hotter, younger. All the pictures of the sassy vixen below are taken before, or not long after her fourteenth birthday. Don't get me wrong, she needs another couple of years before she's A grade, but man, would I ever skull fuck her now.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

I guess these two are the twin queens of the whole underage babe industry. How many sites were counting down to the turning eighteen? A million! Sure, I watched Full House as a lad, but I never once thought of them as hot during that show. Cute? Maybe, but not at all sexual. I've conducted a careful study of the picture timeline over at marykateandashley.com, and concluded that they first became attractive, sexual beings right about 1998, at age twelve (they were born on the 13th June, 1986 - about ten minutes apart).

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is something of the new kid on the block. Born on 2 July 1986, she only really started to get it together in 2003 with her first big film, Freaky Friday. Personally, I've never seen anything she's done. I only know about her because people always joke about her being an underage hottie on the Internet. Is she an underage hottie? In this unbiased journalist's opinion... yes.

INTERESTING FACT: Yes, describing myself as a journalist was the punch line of this article.

Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan are pretty much the same to me. They're the new wave of underage babes. I don't know where they came from. I haven't seen anything they've done, and I'm largely ambivalent toward them. I've seen their posters, thought, "Man, I'd let her fuck me from the face down" and left it at that. Born on the 28th of September, 1987, Hilary Duff was in a TV series called Lizzie McGuire, which she used to break into the movie industry in about 2001. She's also a little bit of a pop star... I don't know if that came first or not. I'm sorry if you don't feel I'm trying very hard in this one, but the only research I can be bothered doing today is with Google image search.

Tatyana M. Ali

Tatyana came into my life in about 1990 as Ashley, the younger cousin in the Will Smith star vehicle The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. For the first few seasons she was a little girl. Always wearing he school uniform, and being influenced by Will Smith and his gangsta stylings. In about 1994, between seasons, she turned from a straight laced schoolgirl into a long cool drink of major hot chocolate. She was born on the 24th of January 1979, so I'm guessing that for her fifteen was the magic age. After that they started to phase her out of the show, because they already had a hot character in the older sister, but she was still in the background all the time. There's one episode where she's doing this bikini commercial that got me through the first few years of my own puberty.

INTERESTING FACT: In the last season she has an emotional crisis because she not sure if she should give her virginity to her boyfriend played by Jaleel White... STEVE URKEL (although he's playing it the same way he plays it when Urkel falls in that cool machine and becomes Stefan Urkelle).

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt clambered her way into my living room via Party of Five, in the mid nineties (at age fifteen/sixteen - born 21st of February, 1979). I've never watched an episode myself, but I remember watching the commercials and thinking "wow, that show is wall to wall honey." For me, she wasn't really an underage hottie. It wasn't till a bit later, when she started making teen movies that I stood up and took notice. I just put her in her, because she's the most bikini inclined of all the girls I've presented to you this evening, and I wanted to go out with a bit of a bang. Which, I suppose, will take us out. Good night, one and all. See you next time.