Friday, August 8, 2004. 6:58PM
I know, I know, I haven't been doing this so much this year - we're down to barely once a month, and I really feel bad about it. I noticed the other day that I had completely missed our anniversary, when I would usually do some kind of whimsical look back on our time together, speculating on how far we'd come or low we'd fallen, but alas, I forgot. It was two months ago, and nothing can change that now, so instead of an article about us two months ago, you're going to get an article about you, and your going to get it now.
There is a certain anonimity to the Internet that I think we all enjoy. Most of you folks, unless you're savvy enough to whois my URL, probably don't know my home phone number, and for that, I think we're all glad. There are, however, a few select channels of communication between us. I can communicate with you, of course, via this website, and if you feel so inclined, you can e-mail me. Occasionally, me or someone else will post a link to this page on a forum of some kind, and then you all have an opportunity to respond to the link and vent your anger, I suppose in the hope that I will come back and read it. And that's what I'm going to do right now, insult some people who insulted me on a forum. There is a third, much more hilarious channel of communication, because really, I got nothing for this whole first section, so please, stick around. Once we get onto the good stuff it'll be a lot better.
In a somewhat misguided attempt to drum up some traffic for my pornographic stories, a while ago posted a link to my page in the talk back section of movie rumor site AintItCoolNews.com. Now, rather than a) say anything intelligent before my link, or b) post it somewhere popular where I might be lost in the crowd, I did a first post (being when you are the first person to respond to an article, and you don't say much apart from "FIRST!") in the Anime section, which we all know nobody reads. I was somewhat hurt by the horrid things people were saying, and while I know I may be preaching to the converted somewhat by responding on my site rather than in said talkback, I am now going to justify my choices and call them all dicks.
Fortunately for those of us with sensitive natures, only four people replied, and here's what they said.
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From: ZeedarTeretz |
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2004-04-30 23:47:25
From: speed |
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2004-04-30 23:50:24 |
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2004-05-01 22:48:00 |
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2004-05-01 14:57:40 |
Now, okay, this site may not be the best in the world, but really, half these
people advised me to commit suicide! One cant help but feel a little hurt. Firstly,
Speed. Okay Speed, you have a point. Admittedly, you don't follow it up with
a well reasoned argument, but then, why would you bother? It's just some forum.
I don't want to sound like one of those uppity website dicks, so okay. Thank
you Speed. You suggestion is noted. I've been burnt by the public arena, and
won't be coming back.
Dolfan13, however, I can't help but feel comes on a little strong. Maybe my loose prose and tendency to deviate from the subject at hand don't appeal to you, but ZeedarTeretz.com is hardly the worst website in the world. Admittedly, you only claim that it's the worst fucking website you've ever seen, and brother, if that's the truth, I envy your luck and search engine skill, but even so, is being untalented and inflicting it in a fairly non-confrontational way on the world really such a crime? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think half the world is stupid (yes, the black half), but I don't think they should all kill themselves. There's a lot of bitter webmasters who write about how the Internet has lost it's innocence, and buddy, it's people like you who make them do it. C'mon dude, can't we all get along?
And before we move on, here's a link to about a million websites worse than
mine: www.geocities.com.
Now, Dan_Average, to you I have no insult. Thank you for your constructive criticism. This site first began almost four years ago, when frames was still a perfectly acceptable method of site design. These days, however, that is no longer so. All the advantages frames used to have are now rendered server side, usually with PHP. Well, it's not that I can't program PHP, I assure you that I can, it's simply that I can't be bothered converting it. This site has around six hundred files in it, and while I could do some pretty spiffy find and replaces, it would still be a pile of work to do it all. Far too much. I have, however, taken your advice and ditched the frames. We've gone back to a flat HTML format, which still isn't all that good, but I think you'll agree, it's a lot better. Thank you, Average_Dan, my hat is off to you.
But Satman83, you're a whole different story. While, after a quick Google search I may be able to propose that Dolfan13 was in fact Tammy Nicholson, a 32 year old from Orlando, Florida, you have not just told me my site was shit, called me a turd and told me to kill myself, but you've told me where your own site is. You've given me something to tear into! However, Satveer Gill, I am not a fickle man. I know you'll never read this. Sure, I won't break if I ever see you crossing the road, but really, I hold no malice. Gentle reader, please, take a look around. Bask in my smoothly styled film noir page, and then click here. Have I proved my point? The colours? The links? If you're reading this Tammy, here's another site that is not just worse than mine... it's not even in the ballpark... hell, it's a whole different game. How can you even be biased about that piece of shit. Shit. Fuck. Just thinking about you thinking that site was better than mine is making me angry. Readers: e-mail that son of a bitch and tell him he's a tool. Crap. Let's move on before I punch my monitor.
Yes, move on. Move on to you.
The third way you can talk to me is via my statistics. At the end of every month, it always gives me a good chuckle to trawl through my traffic logs and see what you people searched for to find me. Now, unfortunately I haven't been on this server all that long after the problems www.celebrityhitlist.com had with the man, so my logs are pretty scant, but I have a few months worth; let's bring them out.
Search phrase: |
No. |
Some comments: |
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zeedar teretz |
4 |
I can't think why anyone would search for this. I guess it was someone would could remember my name, and wanted the URL for my website. Or maybe they saw it as a username somewhere and Googled it. I don't know. There weren't too many of them, anyway. |
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teretz |
78 |
I assume that all these people were looking for some kind of information on tourette's syndrome. If you want to get a lot of traffic on your website, I highly recommend calling it a misspelling of something nobody can spell. I don't know about you, but personally, I enjoy the delicious irony in school kids looking for some information for their science project or something, and quickly being confronted with my Olsen twins rape fantasies. |
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teretz syndrome |
23 |
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teretz info |
1 |
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what is teretz syndrome |
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the teretz |
1 |
No idea what this guy wanted. |
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dog ejaculating |
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Is it weirder that people look for this stuff, or that I give it to them? What are you sickos thinking? You actually want a dog to mount and rape you? Did that really happen, and you're looking for an online community of people with similar experience to help you through this difficult time? Your having some problems with your dog ejaculating? Damn, sickos. |
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the dog mounted her |
2 |
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dog mounted her |
4 |
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raped by a dog |
2 |
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dog mounted me and raped |
1 |
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hustler natalie portman |
1 |
I'm just glad to see that I'm not the only person who was taken in by that little hoax. Natalie, I would like to use this moment to make a public apology to you. I'm sorry for calling you a whore. I really am. It tears me up to think of all that horrible stuff I said about you. Please Natalie, if you're ever in Australia, e-mail me. I'll buy you a real nice dinner. Take you dancing. Anything you like. |
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natalie portman hustler november 1999 |
1 |
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natalie portman hustler |
4 |
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portman hustler |
2 |
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hustler 1999 natalie portman |
1 |
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hustler and natalie portman |
1 |
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hustler with natalie portman on it |
1 |
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hustler magazine November 1999 natalie portman |
1 |
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natalie portman & hustler |
1 |
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hustler 1999 portman |
1 |
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natalie portman in hustler |
1 |
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pulp a rama |
1 |
I guess these searches are hitting up that old Party-O-Rama page I used to host for one of my friends. I understand, however, that there is a stage show called Lesbian Pulp-O-Rama!, which is a skits and musical numbers type evening, based on lesbian pulp fiction of the 1960's. |
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party rama |
3 |
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party-o-rama |
1 |
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worlds largest penis! |
1 |
Over the last little while, I've been making a very half hearted effort to Google-bomb the search "Worlds Largest Penis" for this site, but I only started doing that because I noticed people were finding it though searches anyway, and realistically, I don't think I've ever had more than maybe four links. I can't think what they're finding. There was one syndrome where I talked about Michael Jackson building the worlds largest penis, and I guess I may have mentioned the words on a few pages, but really, it's not as if it's a recurring theme in the page. I don't even know who has the world's largest penis! |
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worlds largest penis |
12 |
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worlds record largest penis |
1 |
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worlds largest penis on record |
1 |
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worlds largest vagina |
1 |
I think deepest would have been more revealing. I've certainly never mentioned this. |
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maggie cheung naked |
7 |
I'd love to see Maggie Cheung naked. If someone has the pics, I'd sure appreciate it if you sent them to me. I have articulated this desire of mine once before, in my Irma Vep review, and I guess that's what these people are finding. |
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naked maggie cheung |
1 |
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tv bicentenial man |
1 |
I've lumped these all together, because they're obviously people searching for movies and finding my reviews. I suppose I must have miss typed a letter in my review of Bicentennial Man, and a bunch of people are making the same mistake and finding me. Same with Ripley, and Poolhall. |
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bicentenial man |
5 |
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the talented mr. riply |
2 |
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pool hall junkies |
1 |
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Mr. riply |
1 |
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mary-kate kissing ashley's breasts |
1 |
Well, well, don't we love the Olsen twins? Or, more interestingly, look at the way that there are a million single searches, but very few double up. Every body loves the Olsen twins in a different way. Some people like wolves. Others like lesbian incest. Many people see to be curious about virginity, periods, and female underwear, and who can blame them? Well, not periods. I don't want to know anything about that. Ugh.The Olsen twins have a unique opportunity now as they carry a generation of girls three or four years younger than they are into puberty. Sure, they could keep up this charade of virtue and innocence, and go on being Hollywood's good girls with bad rumors, or they could come out and show the young girls today how to be comfortable with their sexuality, and more important, how to best pleasure your sister in twenty minutes of secretly video lesbian incest. I love the Olsen twins. |
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olsen twins get gang raped by genetically altered wolves |
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the olsen twins get gang raped by genetically altered wolves |
3 |
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eating ashley olsen's pussy |
1 |
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ashley kissed Mary-Kate s body |
1 |
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fakers on olsen |
1 |
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mary-kate's sister is having sex |
1 |
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Mary-Kate olsen sent to a facility too thin |
1 |
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mary kate olsen perfect body |
1 |
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olsen twins virginity |
1 |
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pushing into Ashley's virgin vagina |
1 |
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licked ashley olsen's pussy |
1 |
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olsen twins raped |
1 |
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olsen twins coke |
1 |
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Mary Kate and Ashley olsen raped by a white wolf |
1 |
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Ashley olsen's pussy |
1 |
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Mary-Kate Ashley incestuous |
1 |
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olsen twins get raped |
2 |
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Ashley olsen's nipple slip |
2 |
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Mary Kate and Ashley olsen's breasts |
2 |
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Mary Kate Ashley genetically altered wolves |
1 |
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Ashley olsen's vagina |
1 |
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olsen's cunt |
1 |
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Mary Kate kissing Ashley's tits |
1 |
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Ashley olsen's nipple |
1 |
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Mary-Kate and Ashley's first period |
1 |
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Ashley s panties Mary-Kate |
1 |
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Mary-Kate Ashley incestuous |
1 |
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Ashley licking Mary-Kate's pussy |
1 |
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Mary-Kate and Ashley olsen's vagina |
1 |
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Mary Kate olsen's stomach |
1 |
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Mary-Kate& Ashley olsen's pussy |
1 |
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Mary-Kate any panties |
1 |
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Mary-Kate olsen nipple slip |
1 |
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Mary Kate body |
1 |
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olsen twin stories |
1 |
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max winkler olsen |
1 |
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Ashley sucking Mary kate's breasts |
1 |
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Mary Kate olsen's boyfriend max winkler |
1 |
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summer time and the weather is fine lyrics |
1 |
I think I sang this song to myself in a syndrome one time. |
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in the summertime when the weather is how you got women on your mind if her daddys rich poor do what you feel touch the sky |
1 |
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if her daddys rich take her out for a meal |
1 |
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prepubescent hymen |
1 |
Always a good thing to have. Time for a joke? Satan raped my twelve year old daughter and all I got was this bloody hymen. |
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zoolander magnum |
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It was an awesome Magnum. |
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how to fatten your girlfriend |
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People, I really hope that my message hasn't got lost somewhere between my head and your eyes. I don't like fat people. Please, don't fatten your girlfriend. Or if you do, do it as a practical joke or something. Put butter in her coffee. Just don't do it because you like fat women. Fat woman aren't cool. You're not helping anyone by creating another one. |
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fatten your girlfriend |
1 |
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12-year-old wet-panties |
1 |
Twelve years old? Sorry Pal, but they're wet because they're just out of the wash. |
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m&m colour cancer candy |
1 |
As far as I'm aware, mine is the only site on the Internet that will tell you exactly why it is that M&M's cause cancer. |
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m&m peanut norway |
1 |
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song lyrics got this feeling deep inside of me |
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Girl you just don't realise you do to me. |
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i got this feeling deep inside of me lyric |
1 |
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my sister and dog's and pussy |
1 |
Yeah, I can see how you'd have that fantasy. |
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all the crying didnt mean jack |
1 |
Never does, Sister. |
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www.bigredsoda.com |
1 |
I remember mentioning this. I was talking about how it didn't exist. |
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panties on the line |
1 |
The easiest place to steal them from. |
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kuluha |
1 |
I could go some Kuluha right now, actually. |
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ex-girlfriend chau |
1 |
I think my ex-girlfriend Chau would be please to know that I am the number one site in a Google search for "ex-girlfriend chau." |
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condom up sister's little cunt |
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Why the hell does that return me? I don't like condoms! I don't have a little sister! |
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films xxx |
1 |
This guy must have had adult safe on or scrolled through 190,000 pages to find my humble site with that search. |
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licked budding young breast raped |
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Would you lick a freshly raped budding young breast? I'd certainly think about it. |
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quinn morgendorfer poses nude or naked |
1 |
HA! I feel vindicated! I knew there was someone else in the world who wanted that porn, and I'm glad I could give it to them. |
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natalie portman metal bikini |
1 |
See George Lucus, I'm not the only one. You got to make it happen. |
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carrie fisher metal bikini |
1 |
Greatest moment in cinema. |
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liptons strawberry tea |
1 |
Does that even exist? |
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miles high club website |
1 |
I wonder if that club has a website. I really wonder why I'm it. |
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my god it's like looking in a mirror |
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You looking in a mirror looks like Olsen twin rape fantasies? Wow. |
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young 12 year old pussy |
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Both young and twelve years old. |
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stories of tortured and raped teenage girls |
1 |
Yep, we've got them all right. |
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dennise richards |
3 |
I should correct my spelling of Denise Richards and put these people out of their misery. |
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harley quinn porn |
1 |
Maybe one day in the future I'll give that a go. I'm a lot better at Photoshop these days. |
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Anyone's sister, or does the Internet know who your sister is? |
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massage his aching feet |
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This site is many things, but it is not a massage site. |
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wet preteen pussy |
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I've run out of oblique lines. |
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personality analyzer |
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The idea of someone looking for a serious personality analyzer and finding my personality analyzer really appeals to me. |
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sister slit womb |
1 |
Trying to secretly deliver you and your sister's love child and you have to do a cesarean? ZeedarTeretz.com! |
And finally, this month's winner: |
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pushing butter up my sister's anus |
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Wow, that ran out of steam faster than I thought it would. Thanks for sticking with it. On to the good bit I promised you at the end. This is the cover girl from the first issue of Australian Playboy, February 1979. I don't know about you, but she kind of makes me wish I'd tried harder at cricket.
