Sunday, November 7, 2004. 2:25PM

Homosexuality makes a lot sense.

You see, if women were different types of music, the kind of woman I want would be pretty much mainstream pop. The kind of woman I want is Britney Spears. Britney Spears isn't complicated. Sure, maybe one album has a bit more bass than another, but basically, she's pretty predictable. She's good looking in a pretty conventional way. If Britney Spears was my girlfriend, there's not a man alive who could honestly walk up to me and say "dude, your girlfriend is a mule." Britney Spears isn't crazy. She wouldn't play games with my emotions. She wouldn't mess with my mind. If Britney Spears was unhappy, she'd come right out with it, and she would forgive me after I bought her some flowers and said I was sorry. If I wanted something a little freaky in the bedroom (and I do), then I'm sure Britney would be willing to negotiate. She'd be there when I needed her, but she wouldn't cramp my style and she wouldn't complain about maybe doing a little more than her share of the cooking and cleaning.

Only problem is, if I were a kind of music, I wouldn't be mainstream pop. I'm not Justin Timberlake… hell, I'm not even Eminem. No, I think I'm something a bit more like indie rock. Let's make no bones of it, I'm a skinny, pale Jew with dark hair and bad teeth. I'm a lot closer to Jarvis Cocker, REM or Jack White than I am to any of the members of D12. This is unfortunate, because it means the kinds of women I attract aren't like Britney Spears, they're like Meg White. Admittedly, all indie rock chicks aren't as ugly as Meg, but they're all as crazy. They have their insecurities and the things that set them off. They can't help but play games with you. They have complexes about things, and there's things they'll rule out completely for no reason at all. They store up emotion, and make a big deal of little things. Indie rock chicks are insane.

Indie rock guys however, are pretty cool. They're intelligent. They're witty. They know about the world. If I asked Jarvis Cocker for an essay on the One World Government, I'm pretty sure he could give a well thought out response more or less on the spot. I'm indie rock. All my male friends are indie rock. Indie rock guys are cool. I like indie rock guys, but I don't like indie rock girls. I know I'm never going to get the pop girl that I want.

Hence, logically, homosexuality makes a lot of sense. Or at least it would. If being gay meant me, Jack White, Jarvis Cocker, Billy Corgan, and Michael Stipe having a poker game, drinking a few beers, talking about science, and then maybe giving each other hand jobs, life would be pretty sweet. I think we'd all be pretty happy.

Only problem is, that's not what being gay is all about. Being gay is all about being a girl. I don't want some nancy, emotional and annoying pretend girl as my 'life partner.' I'd rather have some insane indie rock chick than that. I don't understand what the point of being gay is if your gay relationship is going to be a fruity clone of a heterosexual relationship. If you want a man, surely you want a real man. You want a regular guy who'll drink a beer, not a white wine. You want a dude who doesn't give a damn about your problems and can't be fucked when it comes to personal hygiene. You want a man who will goof around with a ball if need be. Whose feelings aren't hurt when you ring and cancel your hot date at short notice. But damnint, the world isn't like that. It isn't like that, because gay men are ruining being gay for the rest of us heterosexual men.

But it goes a lot deeper than just that.

Women, you see, they don't know what they want in a man. They get told what they want in a man by Hollywood. They get told that they want Brad Pitt, or Orlando Bloom, or for the more mature woman, George Clooney and Richard Gere. These are all bad examples when it comes to proving my point, because in their personal lives they're all cool heterosexual men. George Clooney is a womanizer who lives with a pig, and they all usually play decent guys to seduce Julia Roberts by just being nice. Everyone knows though, that every struggling actor is gay.

Which brings me to something that might have been topical if I'd brought it up two years ago, which is the feminification of heterosexual males. To a certain extent in movies, and certainly in television, there's a real push for men not to be primates. To be well groomed, sensitive, and good in the kitchen, and on this current post-feminist generation (of which I am a member); it's really sunk in quite a lot. What's more worrying though is the more recent years, when the push has been for heterosexual men not to just be girly man, but to be a gay man. As the Bloodhound Gang rather ineloquently put it, I almost "wish I was queer so I could get chicks."

So here it is people. Here's where I lay it on the line. This is a call to arms.

Yes, brothers, now is the time! The time to rise up! The time to seize the power! The time to take homosexuality away from the women and the sissies! Back! Back for us heterosexual men who want to be gay! Time to get control of the media back into the hands of beer drinking, wife beating men! I want to grow moustache! I want to call my son Julian! I want to receive fellatio from my straight friends and not feel weird about it! And most of all, I don't want to have to live up to the unrealistic expectations of women who expect me not only to work out, but also to cook! Rise up brothers! You have nothing to loose but your chains! You have the world to regain!

And in closing, here is Tammin Sursok with a moustache.