Poetry Rumble

Thursday, July 28, 2005. 2:28PM

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is Zeedar Teretz's favorite actor.

Zeedar Teretz's favorite actor

I like Charlie because he's so damn charming. He plays characters who basically seem to be alcoholic playboy smart alec misogynists, and yet everybody likes him. He has been through a lot, as far as actors go. For a while he seemed to be a pretty legitimate movie star, in real, powerful movies like Platoon and Wall Street, then for about ten years he ran the gauntlet through comedies and B-Grade action films before settling with TV sit coms. He had his wild days as a Hollywood party boy, with his drugs and drinking and sex with porn stars, and even shot Kelly Preston (John Travolta's wife) in the arm at one point. He managed to knock up Denise Richards (who we all agree is one of the foxiest minxes in Hollywood) a couple of times, and divorced her, presumably because she was cramping his style and he just wanted to party with other girls. Throughout all this though (I recently discovered), Charlie Sheen managed to find time to publish a book of poetry.

First published in 1991, it's called A Peace of My Mind, by Charles Sheen, and you can buy it on Amazon for a considerable sum. It has illustrations by famous Hollywood director Adam Rifkin, who directed Charlie Sheen in The Chase. That's not where the connection ends, however, as Charlie had a bit part in Rifkin's 1988 zombie comedy , Never On Tuesday, and even better, Sheen voiced the Narrator for Rifkin's Tale of Two Sisters (1989), a film that gives a 'based on' credit to the then unpublished poems of Charles Sheen. I've read a few of these poems, and I can say, unequivocally, that they are the single greatest works of poetry ever conceived by man. To prove that point I've decided to have a bit of a show down here today. Originally, I was going to pit our Charlie against the most all pervasive poet that springs to mind, William Shakespeare, however, on further contemplation, the thought occurs that perhaps a female poet would be better. Charlie Sheen's poems are largely about man hood, and the problems one faces because of the transformation which we all go through from being a boy (with a high pitched voice, no hair, no penis to speak of, and no muscles - essentially, a girl), to becoming a man, and the way that reciprocates through the entire life of every man. Based on that, I decided it better to pit this raw ball of testosterone against its antithesis, which is to say, neo-feminist lesbian whining.

This file's size is 666kb

Now, this Poetry Rumble has to be fair. For there to be any point in it, it has to be judged in an impartial fashion. Were I to simply do it based on my own impressions of the poems, Charlie Sheen would no doubt win. Hence, I have enlisted the help of the Georgia Department of Education, specifically, their Poetry Completion Checklist, which I have made available here. It gives you six differently weighted categories with which to assess the poem, deducing a numerical score. I'm not going to tell you who wrote what until the end: why not see if you can guess!

ROUND ONE

Teacher Teacher, teacher, I don't understand, You tell me it's like the back of my hand. Should I play guitar and join the band? Or head to the beach and walk in the sand? Oh, teacher, teacher, I don't understand... ... Teacher, teacher, the years have passed, I never thought it would go so fast, The things I learned they didn't last. I'm headin' to sea as I raise the mast. Oh, teacher, teacher, I'm a peace of your past.		Two Lovers and a Beachcomber by the Real Sea Cold and final, the imagination Shuts down its fabled summer house; Blue views are boarded up; our sweet vacation Dwindles in the hour-glass. Thoughts that found a maze of mermaid hair Tangling in the tide's green fall Now fold their wings like bats and disappear Into the attic of the skull. We are not what we might be; what we are Outlaws all extrapolation Beyond the interval of now and here: White whales are gone with the white ocean. A lone beachcomber squats among the wrack Of kaleidoscope shells Probing fractured Venus with a stick Under a tent of taunting gulls. No sea-change decks the sunken shank of bone That chucks in backtrack of the wave; Though the mind like an oyster labors on and on, A grain of sand is all we have. Water will run by; the actual sun Will scrupulously rise and set; No little man lives in the exacting moon And that is that, is that, is that.

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?
For the highest rated category, this is a bit of a silly question. The right hand poem is decidedly longer; I would almost deem it too long. However, the question allows no grounds for penalty for being too long, so I'm going to play it fair and give both poems the full ten points.

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?
Similes/metaphore: 1; alliteration: 4; rhyme scheme: yes; rhythm: yes; personification: yes; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 9/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded up for having multiple of some things)		Similes/metaphore: 4; alliteration: 0; rhyme scheme: yes; rhythm: yes; personification: no; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 6/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded up for having multiple of some things)

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?
I like the morbid imagery of 'Two Lovers...', less so that of 'Teacher', although I suppose it does have an idea of some kind. I'm going to award 8/10 to Teacher and 10/10 to 'Two Lovers...' for this category.

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
Both these poems get 10/10 for this category, as they adhere to the conventions. I briefly considered Emily Dickinson as Charlie's opponent, and this would have been where she got screwed.

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
The punctuation is a little questionable in 'Teacher', but I'm going to allow it. Both poems get 10/10.

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
Microsoft Word 97 is our spelling arbiter for today. The only word in these poems it disputes is "headin'", which will cost 'Teacher' a point.

Final Score:		Final Score:
93		92

ROUND TWO

Gigolo Pocket watch, I tick well. The streets are lizardy crevices Sheer-sided, with holes where to hide. It is best to meet in a cul-de-sac, A palace of velvet With windows of mirrors. There one is safe, There are no family photographs, No rings through the nose, no cries. Bright fish hooks, the smiles of women Gulp at my bulk And I, in my snazzy blacks, Mill a litter of breasts like jellyfish. To nourish The cellos of moans I eat eggs - Eggs and fish, the essentials, The aphrodisiac squid. My mouth sags, The mouth of Christ When my engine reaches the end of it. The tattle of my Gold joints, my way of turning Bitches to ripples of silver Rolls out a carpet, a hush. And there is no end, no end of it. I shall never grow old. New oysters Shriek in the sea and I Glitter like Fontainebleau Gratified, All the fall of water and eye Over whose pool I tenderly Lean and see me.		Thumbcuff The shaken magician, sweat pouring from his brow, seems less than amused, by the rabbits' subtle attempt, to make him disappear. The crafty rodent, kneeling low in rice bowls hollow, need not worry. Audience erupts. That carrot, has turned to gold.

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?
Given the great disparity in the lengths of these two poems, I'm going to have to penalize 'Thumbcuff' two points.

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?
Similes/metaphore: 3; alliteration: 0; rhyme scheme: no; rhythm: yes; personification: yes; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 6/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded up for having multiple of some things)		Similes/metaphore: 1; alliteration: 0; rhyme scheme: no; rhythm: yes; personification: no; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 4/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded down)

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?
I like both these poems; the original language of 'Gigolo', and the humorous and unique images in 'Thumbcuff.' 'Gigolo': 9/10, 'Thumbcuff': 10/10.

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
Full marks both sides.

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
No penalties.

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
Word '97 speaks, ruling "Fontainebleau" and "lizardy" to be not words. Fontainebleau is capitalised, and I rule it to be a propper name, and so the penalty is only one point for 'Gigolo.'

Final Score:		Final Score:
90		82

ROUND THREE

Look at It Look at my life. Look at my girlfriend, wholesome and sweet, Look at my house, healthy and neat, It's best when you enter to first wipe your feet, Look at my fridge, so fresh packed with meat. Look at my girl, she's barely turned three, Her hair in a curl as she's staring at me. Look at the thorns that have snaked up my tree. Look at my stare and say that it's free. Look at the places, the town where I hide, Look at the faces of dreamers who've died, it all looks like "this" when you're standing inside, Look at the expression of a man who has tried, Look at my -		Landowners From my rented attic with no earth To call my own except the air-motes, I malign the leaden perspective Of identical gray brick houses, Orange roof-tiles, orange chimney pots, And see that first house, as if between Mirrors, engendering a spectral Corridor of inane replicas, Flimsily peopled. But landowners Own their cabbage roots, a space of stars, Indigenous peace. Such substance makes My eyeful of reflections a ghost's Eyeful, which, envious, would define Death as striking root on one land-tract; Life, its own vaporous wayfarings.

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?
Both poems being of a similar length, I shall penalize neither.

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?
Similes/metaphore: 1; alliteration: 0; rhyme scheme: yes; rhythm: yes; personification: yes; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 8/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded down)		Similes/metaphore: 1; alliteration: 0; rhyme scheme: no; rhythm: yes; personification: no; symbols: yes; allusion and/or onomatopoeia: no. 5/10 (the percentage score out of seven, rounded down)

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?
'Look at It' gets full marks in the category, as I snickered visibly at the authors image of an idillic life; have a fridge "packed full of meat". This counted doubly, as it was not only humor, but also unique thinking. 'Landowners', suffers from its verbosity in my opinion, although, I can hardly not give it some credit on the grounds of original language. Look at It: 10/10. Landowners: 7/10.

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
There is one dubiously un-capitalised "i" in 'Look at It', and I'm going to take away a mark, purely because I want this category to mean something at some point. 'Look at It', 9/10. Landowners: 10/10.

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
Likewise, I penalize 'Landowners' one mark for it's erratic short sentences. I feel they are distracting. 'Look at It', 10/10. Landowners: 9/10.

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?
My mother contends that "fridge", the abbreviation of "refrigerator," should be spelt "frig." This is coming from a woman who thinks sideburns are called "side-boards", so I'm not going to count it. Word 97, however, rules against "wayfarings", and so it's only a 9 for 'Landowners.'

Final Score:		Final Score:
95		82

Sylvia Plath with 'Two Lovers and a Beachcomber by the Real Sea,' 'Gigolo,' and 'Landowners' has a total of 264 points.

Charlie Sheen with 'Teacher,' 'Thumbcuff,' and 'Look at It' has a grand total of 270 points.

Charlie takes it!

You heard it here first, folks. Sylvia Plath, a widely respected poet has been defeated in a fair and unbiased Poetry Rumble by widely disrespected star of such films as Major League and Loaded Weapon, Charles Sheen. This will no doubt shake the poetry world to its very foundation. I await comment from the Georgia Department of Education.

Some further poetry by Mr. Sheen can be found in Appendix A.

The girl of the week this month is Billie Piper. I've been vaguely aware of her for years - I'm told that I once spent several hours trying to chat up teenage girls who were waiting in line for one of her concerts. Recently, however, she's resurfaced in Doctor Who, and I've been impressed by her girl next door smile, and the way she wears a tight top and runs every episode. In the photo below she is looking sassy while reaching for what seems to be an onion.

Closing Pun: I'd sure like to peel some layers off her.

Poetry Rumble

Thursday, July 28, 2005. 2:28PM

ROUND ONE

Teacher

Two Lovers and a Beachcomber by the Real Sea

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

Final Score:

Final Score:

ROUND TWO

Gigolo

Thumbcuff

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

Final Score:

Final Score:

ROUND THREE

Look at It

Landowners

1. Is the poem at least as long as the minimum requirement of lines and/or stanzas?

2. Does the poem contain the required elements (similes/metaphors, alliteration, rhyme scheme, rhythm, personification, symbols, allusion, and/or onomatopoeia)?

3. Is the poem interesting to read, because of original language, unique thinking, and/or humor?

4. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in capitalization? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

5. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in punctuation? If not, does the overall style or mood of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

6. Does the poem follow conventions of Standard Written American English in spelling? If not, does the overall style or dialect of the poem justify a departure from standard conventions?

Final Score:

Final Score: